Winter Walk

I went to the woods today.
I walked the dog along the snowy paths.
I saw evidence of life everywhere amongst the dead of winter.
The flame of the red berries still clinging to the bush
The tracks of rabbits, deer, other dogs and people.
The nests of leaves high in the trees with the heartbeat of a squirrel at their core.
Geese headed in no particular direction.

I walked along the ice-choked creek.
I saw the contours of the land like I had not seen them in a while.
Summer hides them under the grasses and other plants.
Winter bares all.
But in the barrenness, there is promise.
There are seeds everywhere, waiting for the wind to carry them on to their next destination
Waiting to burst forth with the warmth of the spring and summer.

The same holds true for me.
There is promise and evidence of life ready to burst forth.
I look forward to the growth and the challenge of commingling my life with someone new.
And I relish the ability to feel and experience it all.

Happy Thanksgiving

Greetings internet!

Yes, once again, I have been lax in posting. My life has been busy and full.

As far as this holiday is concerned I have much to be thankful for. First and foremost that I am healthy and, while some of you may hear me complain about my work, I am very fortunate to still have a good job that pays my bills and then some. I am thankful for all the little things that we all sometimes take for granted; the love and adoration of my furry kids, the beautiful world around me, the home that I live in and the ability to appreciate things for what they are.

I have met some amazing women in the last few months. I am thankful for all of them, the good and the not so good. The good cause me to try and be a better person and the not so good make me realize how good my life is and how far I have come and how much I have grown in the last year. I am thankful that I can say that I have not had any major losses in my life. In speaking with one of the people that I have recently met, I found out that she has lost a child and the love of her life. I can say that I have not had to unexpectedly say good-bye to anyone.

I am thankful for the impending change in our government. While I am very worried about the economy, I think we may be on an upward trend and as uncomfortable as change can be, I think this one is a very good and very necessary change.

Most of all, though, I think I am thankful for the people that I consider my friends in this life. I won't name them here. If you are one of them, you will know you are amongst the people I care about.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. May you find yourselves blessed today and everyday and may you find something that you can be thankful for.

Carol

Message to AB

My apologies to Streetsweep for stealing her format, but I need to do this now.

You know who you are, AB. You are the person that I gave my all to for almost two years. You are the person that kept me from my relationship of seven years. You are the person who committed a felony to buy your kid a cell phone. You are the person who is the most worthless, conniving, lying, piece of shit that has ever walked the face of this earth.

You send emails speaking your lies. You know how I know you are lying? Either your lips are moving or you are typing. You talk about the things that I have said, when I know full well, that I have not said them.

Just remember, I was the one who walked away from you this time and it was YOU who begged me to come back into your life. You know, my life may be lonely, but it's ALL mine now. When you were in it you demanded and demanded and demanded everything I had. I gave you my all and more and you were still left wanting more from me. When I broke free from your power, I looked back at my life with you and discovered that in the time that I hung out with you, I hadn't done anything that I loved to do. I quit listening to music I liked, I quit reading, I quit taking the dog out to the woods. I avoided the people in my life that were good for me, to hang out with you.

After I stopped talking to you the first time, I was ashamed to let people know that I was talking to you again. ASHAMED. I know why now. It's because you finally showed yourself to be the piece of shit that you truly are. For the record, I have not spoken to the person you referred to in your last email to me. I have not made any attempt at contacting her. And I avoid the acquaintance, that you spoke of, like the plague because I don't need the drama that surrounds her and her relationship with you. Funny thing about the truth is that it holds up. Not like all the lies you told everyone in your life. If the right people are talked to, the truth comes out. I know the truth about the rape (I know that it was consensual) and about the bruise on your face (that you had it coming).

Fortunately for you, the only feelings that I have for you are feelings of pity. I feel sorry that you are so miserable that you take everything and everyone in your life and try to bring them all down to your level so you can have everyone as miserable as you are. I was there for a little while. I truly was. But I found my voice and my spine and I walked away from what I knew was wrong.

Stay out of my life AB. Leave me alone and mind your own damn business.

C-roll's Adventures in Dating

So, I have been talking to this woman from here in town for the last week or so. She seemed ok (read: relatively normal). One thing that she was doing, that should have raised a red flag, however, was that instead of typing the word “cool”, she substituted it for “kewl”. Yup, should have known with that piece of information ALONE.

I had talked to her a few times online and we had what I perceived to be normal conversations. She messaged me Sunday afternoon to see if I wanted to meet her in downtown Champaign for a bit. It was late in the afternoon, so I had to decline. I was in for the rest of the evening. I had supper in the oven and had put on some comfortable clothes to lounge in.

I made the mistake of letting her know that I was not working yesterday. I actually asked her if she wanted to meet and she said yes. I had some things to do yesterday, hence the reason for the day off of work, and told her that I would meet her at 3 PM at the local organic grocery / coffeehouse. I get there early because I haven’t had lunch; I have a book with me and the crossword from the Sunday paper. I go in and get a cup of coffee and a bowl of soup and some bread and sit down outside. I am happily eating my soup and drinking my coffee. I crack my book and start reading and into the lot drives a black Dodge pickup. I knew that was her because she had told me what she drove. I am wondering what this woman looked like. I didn’t know. She had seen a picture of me, so she had an idea of what I looked like.

She gets out. I spy her from afar. I try not to make any quick judgments, it just isn’t fair. I am there with an open mind. She walks up and introduces herself. I am seated and comfortable and she sits down. We say our introductions and I tell her that if she wants to go in and get something to drink that she can, so she goes inside and comes back out a few moments later with a can of flavored mineral water. Ok. My first impression? RUN! I don’t, much to my chagrin.

She sits down and starts talking, and talking, and talking, and talking. She tells me about her dogs and her neighbors and her maladies. She tells me about the new Meijer store and about how much she walks the dogs and that she can’t take her dogs where there are a lot of people because they are out of control. Then she starts talking cryptically about her past relationships. That she is really not out to her family and her sister knows and her grandma knew, but her mom and dad don’t know. Then she goes back to her maladies and because of an injury, she has trouble using the toilet and I am thinking “oh my God is she really telling me this?” Then she tells me that because of this issue her attorney has decided that she needs a bidet installed and she asks me if I have ever used one and I decline to answer. Then she is talking about how much she spent on a bed and that it barely fit in her bedroom, but it was the bed that she wanted, and it won’t ever come out, but it’s in there. And then she tells me about her big screen TV and how that was huge too and that she won’t ever be able to get it out of the house either.

Then I find out that she lives about a block from me and she now knows where I live too. Uh oh. Yea, so if you ever want to come and visit me? Call me first so I know you are coming. I am not going to answer the door anymore, not for ANYONE.

Now it is nearly 5:30 PM. I have been sitting since 2:15 or so, I am getting tired . . . of listening to the meaningless blather and TMI, TMI, TMI. I start to stretch and say, well, I should really get going and she keeps talking. I get up and clear my dishes and take them inside and instead of her going to her truck to leave, she is standing out by my scooter. ACKKKKK! I want to go home. So I have to answer a bunch of questions about that. Then I am standing there in my helmet with my keys in my hand waiting to hop on my ride and she’s still talking. I finally get on the scooter and get it started, she gets the drift. I head out, but purposefully head home a different way than the direct route, so she doesn’t follow me or I don’t follow her. I don’t need her hanging around my house.

So the score with dating: C-roll: 0, Opponents: 1.

I hate my life.

NEW TOGS

Preface: I am cheap. I have learned from my parents and grandparents that frugality is not necessarily a bad thing. I own a 1994 Ford Ranger pickup that averages about 20MPG. My little truck runs great and has just over 100K miles on it and with the state of the economy, there is no new vehicle in my near future. So, my current commuter vehicle is a 50cc, two stroke, Kymco scooter. I get between 60-80MPG and am currently spending about $12 a week on gas. My top speed on said scooter is 40mph. I am not sure how to figure wind chill, but I will say that it gets cold when I am out in the early morning. The temperatures have been averaging in the upper 30s this week. Yea, DAMN cold.

I am also one of those people who are always warm. I will wear shorts through December. I like wearing shorts because my place of employment keeps things far too warm for someone like me.

I went to Farm and Fleet last night. My goal was to come out of there with a pair of insulated bib overalls. I checked the site online and was looking to see what they had. I could not find anything that would really fit with what I wanted.

When I got in the store, there were coveralls galore. I started at the front of the store. I tried on several pair of F&F’s Work and Sport brand. They were nice and not priced too high, $60. I had picked out a pair that I wanted and then wandered further back into the store. I found the Carhart aisle. All I needed to do was look at the price of those bad boys to know that I wasn’t getting any Carhart brand. They were over $80 for pretty much the same piece of clothing.

Then I went down another aisle where I saw all the RealTree coveralls and thought I might find something there. Voila! I did. I found the Walls brand. Same bibs, same quality, same warmth. Different price. These were only $40. I tried them on and they fit. I went to the front of the store, and paid for my goods and put them on in the parking lot. I am on my scooter. I ride home with my new bibs on. I have shorts on and I am nice and toasty warm.

The whole point to this post is this: WHY THE HELL DID I NOT BUY THESE BEFORE NOW?!?!?!?! I used to work for my parents in northern Wisconsin where the actual winter temperature can hover around -20 for a week at a time. I used to freeze my ass off. I used to try and make due with jeans and long johns. Oh the humanity!!!

A feminist's view on Palin

The reason that we should all be very afraid of the McCain/Palin ticket. This is Kathleen Parker's opinion on the whole thing.

Autumn Cycle

Fall is in the air. It is nearly October. The corn in this vast prairie, where I live, is ripening and rustling in the fields, the beans are turning from green to yellow to brown and the trees are beginning to show autumn’s fiery paintbrush in yellow, orange and red.

The early morning air is crisp and clear, the days are warm and the nights return to their coolness when the sun retreats on the western horizon.

After I am ready for work and I leave the house, I spend the next glorious half hour in the dim of the early morning. I don a sweatshirt, jacket, gloves and my helmet and hop on my scooter. My ride to work is a calm and head clearing start to my day. There is minimal traffic. The bracing coolness on my exposed skin chases any sleep from my body. I am awake. I am alive.

I arrive at work and step into the cacophony of conveyors and fork trucks. I stop for a moment and drink in the warmth of the building and the liquid of my coffee. I anticipate the outcome of the day and what I need to do to make sure that the work gets done on time. I listen to people complain about their co-workers. I watch as employees work hard and do their best and am honored that they give me their all. I commend them. We get the job done, as a team. It is satisfying and the day is over.

I step outside. I breathe in the warmth that has replaced the cool of the morning. I pack up my jacket and sweatshirt and hop on my scooter for the second time. The air is balmy and warm and there is no need for gloves. I ride towards home. There is more traffic than this morning. I take the scenic route home, along the cemetery, by the woods. I drive from sunshine to shadow and the temperature of the shade hits my face and arms and cools me. It reminds me that the winter months are coming.

I arrive at home and am greeted by my dog. We play catch in the yard or head to go chase rabbits or squirrels in the woods. Worn out, we head back home. We eat our supper. We lay on the couch. We ready for bed.

Night has fallen and my energy wanes. It’s time for bed. I sleep the sleep of infants, deep, unencumbered and wake the next morning to start the cycle again.