C-roll's Adventures in Dating

So, I have been talking to this woman from here in town for the last week or so. She seemed ok (read: relatively normal). One thing that she was doing, that should have raised a red flag, however, was that instead of typing the word “cool”, she substituted it for “kewl”. Yup, should have known with that piece of information ALONE.

I had talked to her a few times online and we had what I perceived to be normal conversations. She messaged me Sunday afternoon to see if I wanted to meet her in downtown Champaign for a bit. It was late in the afternoon, so I had to decline. I was in for the rest of the evening. I had supper in the oven and had put on some comfortable clothes to lounge in.

I made the mistake of letting her know that I was not working yesterday. I actually asked her if she wanted to meet and she said yes. I had some things to do yesterday, hence the reason for the day off of work, and told her that I would meet her at 3 PM at the local organic grocery / coffeehouse. I get there early because I haven’t had lunch; I have a book with me and the crossword from the Sunday paper. I go in and get a cup of coffee and a bowl of soup and some bread and sit down outside. I am happily eating my soup and drinking my coffee. I crack my book and start reading and into the lot drives a black Dodge pickup. I knew that was her because she had told me what she drove. I am wondering what this woman looked like. I didn’t know. She had seen a picture of me, so she had an idea of what I looked like.

She gets out. I spy her from afar. I try not to make any quick judgments, it just isn’t fair. I am there with an open mind. She walks up and introduces herself. I am seated and comfortable and she sits down. We say our introductions and I tell her that if she wants to go in and get something to drink that she can, so she goes inside and comes back out a few moments later with a can of flavored mineral water. Ok. My first impression? RUN! I don’t, much to my chagrin.

She sits down and starts talking, and talking, and talking, and talking. She tells me about her dogs and her neighbors and her maladies. She tells me about the new Meijer store and about how much she walks the dogs and that she can’t take her dogs where there are a lot of people because they are out of control. Then she starts talking cryptically about her past relationships. That she is really not out to her family and her sister knows and her grandma knew, but her mom and dad don’t know. Then she goes back to her maladies and because of an injury, she has trouble using the toilet and I am thinking “oh my God is she really telling me this?” Then she tells me that because of this issue her attorney has decided that she needs a bidet installed and she asks me if I have ever used one and I decline to answer. Then she is talking about how much she spent on a bed and that it barely fit in her bedroom, but it was the bed that she wanted, and it won’t ever come out, but it’s in there. And then she tells me about her big screen TV and how that was huge too and that she won’t ever be able to get it out of the house either.

Then I find out that she lives about a block from me and she now knows where I live too. Uh oh. Yea, so if you ever want to come and visit me? Call me first so I know you are coming. I am not going to answer the door anymore, not for ANYONE.

Now it is nearly 5:30 PM. I have been sitting since 2:15 or so, I am getting tired . . . of listening to the meaningless blather and TMI, TMI, TMI. I start to stretch and say, well, I should really get going and she keeps talking. I get up and clear my dishes and take them inside and instead of her going to her truck to leave, she is standing out by my scooter. ACKKKKK! I want to go home. So I have to answer a bunch of questions about that. Then I am standing there in my helmet with my keys in my hand waiting to hop on my ride and she’s still talking. I finally get on the scooter and get it started, she gets the drift. I head out, but purposefully head home a different way than the direct route, so she doesn’t follow me or I don’t follow her. I don’t need her hanging around my house.

So the score with dating: C-roll: 0, Opponents: 1.

I hate my life.